Golden Cheeseburger

On Friday, driving the kids home from school, the song "Cheeseburger in Paradise" came on. Of course all the kids love it so I cranked it. The first line goes, "Tried to amend my carnivorous habits...". That word, "carnivorous", registered as familiar to Meghan and Evan.

"Hey! He said 'carnivorous'! Why did he say 'carnivorous'?"

Well.... they are used to hearing that word in the unfortunate context of one of their parents telling the screaming baby to "shut his carnivorous pie-hole". It reads worse than it actually is, since it is said lovingly in a cooing sort of way. Originally the phrase was to shut his cavernous pie-hole. Also fitting. But like nearly all names and phrases used in this household, it morphed.

So back to the story, hearing an unusual-though-familiar word made the kids curious as to what this song was about. So I explained that Jimmy was on a no-meat diet, etc., but at night he would dream about cheeseburgers.

"Oh. The song's a dream. I never knew that."

No, it's not a dream. We ended up going line-by-line. I told them what each line actually was, and then a brief explanation of what it meant.

"OHHHHH! I thought he said '[something that makes no sense at all]'".

Don't we all know how that is?! A certain New Order song about being shot right through with a "bolt of blue" comes to my mind... I always thought it was "bow harpoon". Not that I ever knew what a bow harpoon was (we didn't have Wikipedia back then). Or how about REM's "What's the Frequency Kenneth"? There's a minefield of miscommunication. You tell me, in the first line, is it "what's the frequency, kenneth, is your benzadrine" OR is it, "what's the frequency, kenneth, is your Benz a dream"? and later on, "You wore a shirt of violent green" OR is it, "You are a short, violent freak." None of those translations make much sense, but Michael Stipe would say it's the first option in both examples. Oh well. Back in the eighties and nineties we didn't have lyrics.com, so we did the best we could with our bare ears. And my ears are notoriously bad at deciphering song lyrics, as well as English in general if spoken by a southerner, australian, brit, indian, or really any non-native American. I am fairly decent at understanding preschoolers, though.

Back to the song, there are quite a few things that the kids didn't understand... what is warm beer? a Holiday Inn? Havanas? Daquiris? Heinz 57? Draft beer? This song was not looking so pretty when undressed. Add to that, I always feel uneasy singing the line "Good God Almighty which way do I steer...", for obvious reasons. Hmm. Better explain some things to the kids. So I asked Evan to tell me the first three commandments, which he is currently memorizing in school.

"1. You shall have no other gods before me. 2. You shall not make for yourself an idol. 3. You shall not misuse the name of the LORD, your God."

"This song," I told him, "breaks two of those commandments."

Silence. Better help him a little... "Good God Almighty. Is that not misusing the name of the LORD?"

"Oh yeah."

"And would you say that the cheeseburger might be an idol to him?"

"Hmmm. He made a big golden cheeseburger." Idol = golden calf. Therefore, golden cheeseburger. The logical deductions of a six-year-old. Gotta love it!

Well, Meghan and I thought that was pretty funny. And that made Evan and Tressa laugh too. We all had a good laugh picturing the golden cheeseburger. Hopefully that will help them remember the lesson! I'll never forget how my own mother ruined the song "Jesse's Girl" for me back when I was a kid by telling me that Rick was coveting Jesse's girlfriend... and thereby violating the tenth commandment. Perhaps my kids will have a headstart on discernment. But then again, maybe this lesson was for me. Maybe I should quit listening to certain songs, and certainly in the presence of little ears. As I recently read in a sermon transcription, "99% pure water, 1% sewage - I am not drinking". Not bad advice.